Bradley the Party Dog

A story based on the true story of Bradley the Plant-Eating Dog. Totally not based on either of my two bosses named Bradley.  Honest.

Once upon a time, a small dachshund named Bradley discovered the joys of eating plant.

He was bored out of his mind one evening in his little kennel, so he decided to pick the lock and he wandered into his humans’ lawn. He came upon one of the plants there, and thinking how mesmerizingly green it was in the moonlight, he concluded that he should munch on it. Munch, munch, munch. The experience was very blissful. It was like all the flavors, juiciness, crunchiness, and tastiness in the world had a convention in his mouth, and another in his tummy.

He went home to his little kennel, plopped down on the couch, and turned on his massive HD TV. But he couldn’t concentrate on his favorite TV show - he could not stop reliving the experience of eating the plant. “I have to dedicate my life to this,” he decided.

He spent the rest of the day planning on optimizing his next plant-eating. Sprawled on his couch, he flipped his laptop open and browsed through different websites and forums that had any content about plant-eating. He met a nice old dog named Bimbo, who seemed helpful to plant-eating newbies, in one of those forums. He reactivated his account in Dogface, a social site so popular that it had all the dogs in the world in it. He was too enamored in his endeavor that he was only slightly annoyed that he had to overhear his humans having an issue about some sort of destruction in their garden. “Humans and their apocalyptic paranoia,” he muttered, and carried on.

Soon, the humans started to wind down and went to bed. Bradley liked how the human world quieted down at this time of the day. He got up from his couch, ignored the bowl of dog food that his human placed on a corner of his kennel, and picked the lock of his door. Once again, the lawn was all his, and he was ready to apply everything he learned from the internet, and he was ready to do everything he prepared for.

He would not settle for a single plant this time. He harvested all he could carry and took his loot into his kennel. He tossed all of it into an awesome salad. He dove into the treasure chest sitting in one of the corners of his little kennel, and found an old disco mirrorball, and his old disco equipment from his DJ days. He hung the mirrorball from the center of his ceiling, and set up the rest of the equipment around his little kennel. It was party time! Tugzzz, tugzzz, tugzzz, the club sounds shook his little kennel into a delirious party setting. He simultaneously munched on the awesome salad and partied all night. “This is the best party ever!” he howled.

He was up early the next noon, and excitedly logged into Dogface to share his experience with his internet friends. He heard his humans discussing loudly about some sort of vandalism in their garden, or was it about some drunk neighborhood kids who kept them awake all night with loud music? It could be merely some weird human holiday ritual, thought Bradley. What mattered was that his friends were ecstatic about his experience. “You have a mirrorball? No way!” wrote Shadow the mongrel, on his Dogface wall.

“Listen,” he typed, “You guys who live nearby should come over tomorrow. Bring all the plants you can bring, and we’ll have the best party ever!”

And so it was set. He spent the night harvesting all the remaining plants in his humans’ property. He spared not a single blade of grass. He brought in a couple of additional couches into his little kennel, then made more of his awesome salad, which he kept in the huge refrigerator standing in one of the corners of his little kennel.

And what a party it was! Bradley’s friends brought huge bowls of awesome salad to mix with his own. “We spared not a single blade of grass in our humans’ properties,” they told him. Bradley and his friends gorged themselves in awesome salad all night. Munch, munch, munch. They danced and partied all night. Tugzzz, tugzzz, tugzzz. They bathed in divine disco light. Bradley’s kennel was a mess and he would end up repairing some parts of the floor, but he was too happy to care. “This is the best party ever!” he told Shadow the mongrel, who replied by nodding to the music beats.

The next noon, he listened to the radio while cleaning up and repairing his little kennel. There was a short interruption when a newscaster talked about the all world’s flora starting to be endangered because of a so-called canine threat. The newscaster sounded very worried, that it made Bradley worry, too. He caught up with Bimbo the old dog in Dogface, and they had a chat. “Say, these humans worry about an apocalypse,” he began. “What do you think? Maybe the worries I hear the humans go through daily might be huge, after all. I get lost with their technical human terms like ‘flora’, or ‘canine’, but they sound really worried, y’know?”

“Don’t sweat,” Bimbo assured him. “I know a dog who knows a dog who knows a dog who’s part of the Dog Science Society, and I hear it’s all about humans worrying too much about the supply of oxygen running low.”

“But that’s something to sweat about!” lamented Bradley, who's fond of breathing oxygen.

“Nah,” said Bimbo. “The Dog Science Society has secretly invented a giant fan, and they're about to install it close to the core of the earth. This awesome fan will generate a steady supply of processed oxygen into the surface. We'll continue to have the luxury of breathing oxygen. Don’t be like the humans worrying about nothing.”

Bradley was reassured. Feeling better, he suddenly had the best idea ever. “Listen, all you dogs,” he addressed all the dogs in the world in Dogface. “All of you come over to my little kennel tonight! Bring all the plants in the world, don’t you spare a single blade of grass, and we’ll have the best party ever!”

All the dogs in Dogface, meaning all the dogs in the world, said yes, and so it was set. They got into planes, ships, trains, buses, cars, cabs, and bikes, to make it on time for the best party ever in Bradley’s little kennel. Bradley had brought in a dozen more additional couches and added a second mirrorball, so all the dogs in the world got to party inside his little kennel. They all brought their huge bowls of awesome salad, and they said they spared not a single blade of grass in the world.

They gorged themselves in awesome salad all night: munch, munch, munch. They danced and nodded to the beats all night: tugzzz, tugzzz, tugzzz. They bathed in divine disco light. Bradley loved that he got to eat foreign plants. Seriously, it was the best party ever! Bradley’s little kennel was a mess beyond repair, and all the plant life in the world was consumed, so it was also the last party ever. But who cares? It was the best. Party. Ever.

The humans all over the world seemed to have gone crazy the following day, but it was okay, most likely they were just celebrating a new human millennium or something in typical human weirdness. It's a pity they didn't even know the best party ever happened in the world they lived in. Their fear of the oxygen running out didn't even happen, thanks to the Dog Science Society's secret awesome fan. Everything was cool, so Bradley didn’t find the need to learn more about the ‘flora’ and ‘canine’ technical stuff.

It was on a day when Bradley was reliving the spiritual experience of eating a pair of flip-flops when the zombies came and not a single blade of grass was there to stop them.


The end.